In a move that will no doubt frustrate passengers who are already tired of having their bodies exposed to radiation or their genitals groped, airport security is "expected to tighten" due to intelligence that terrorists are surgically implanting explosive devices inside their bodies. While White House spokesman Jay Carney stressed that this concept "is not at all surprising," and that the intelligence "did not relate to an imminent or specific threat," a source from the Department of Homeland security tells the Times that they have warned their foreign counterparts. If only there were some vague, Orwellian, color-coded system to get people scared about something like this...
Heightened security measures may include "increased use of existing procedures, including behavior-detection officers and airport interviews," along with "pat-down searches, and efforts to detect traces of explosives" by swabbing passengers' skin and clothing. This is precisely what those mile-long lines of exhausted, defeated humanity need: interrogation by TSA employees armed with Q-Tips. Thankfully, the TSA has agreed to stop patting down small children, but there seems to be little hope for the rest of us, except for that guy who got onto a flight at JFK Airport with a fake ID (and expired boarding pass).
In 2009, a man attempted to assassinate a Saudi prince by hiding a bomb in his large intestine, but the bomb killed the man and not the prince. Authorities were unable to figure out how he hid the bomb, because that would involve a literal interpretation of the nursery rhyme "Humpty Dumpty."
