Look, we don't publish every story about terrible men rubbing one out in public (really, we swear!), but sometimes an appalling report of pleasuring-in-the-wrong-place rises above the crowded field of criminal urban onanism. And today, fellow Americans, is one of those times. From the indispensable NYC Parks blog A Walk in the Park comes this tale of an infamous "serial masturbator" and his insatiable lust for surgical gloves.
After receiving multiple complaints about a man touching himself inappropriately in Van Cortland Park (NYC's fourth-largest park, which boasts myriad peaceful spots for quiet reflection and masturbation), Parks Department officers spotted a vehicle parked outside the park that matched a description of the suspected jerk-off's ride. And from where the car was parked, they descried "a lone figure standing in the woods." It was the alleged masturbator.
When officers arrived at the position, he was allegedly masturbating some fifty feet from a path where passersby where strolling, trying to enjoy a respite from the city's ceaseless mania. According to A Walk in the Park:
He was wearing a latex surgical glove. The officers found dozens of discarded surgical gloves all over the ground. When Officers escorted the Spanish speaking 50 year-old man back to his car to retrieve his ID they found plastic gloves strewn all over his car including on the steering wheel.
He may be a demented pervert, but at least he's sanitary? Parks police say he was issued a criminal court summons for sexual activity in public and sent on his merry way.
We reached out to the Parks Department for more details on the incident and we'll update if we hear back. In the meantime, if you come across a big pile of surgical gloves in the park, don't get suckered into thinking, "Hey, free surgical gloves!"
